A stranger in my midst….

There is a stranger in my bed, in my thoughts and in my dreams.
She looks like me, she dresses like me, and she feels like me and yet there is something different about her.
The way she moves is more graceful, more open, more free.  The way she speaks is kinder, gentler, stronger and more thoughtful than before.  Her dreams are more vibrant, her thoughts are more loving and the music of her heart is a melody full of strange trills and harmonies that have never been heard.

She is a butterfly, who is testing her wings, feeling into her new self, new body.  Still growing and yet a maturity a knowing that she has seen the other side of darkness and has made it through.

She listens with new ears, she sees with new eyes, she chooses her paths more wisely, using her wisdom that she has newly received to guide her.

She is me and yet she is not.  She is the me I so wanted to be and have striven to become, who has risen from dreams to the surface of my heart.

She is the song that refused to stop singing, the light that refused to be extinguished.  She is the darkness that led me to the depths of my wisdom and the beacon who showed me back to the light.  She is the wise one, the one who sees magic who merges with beasts and listens to spirits.  She is the one that was always there yet waited until the right moment until the paths had been walked until she appeared.  She is the woman who is still a maiden yet ripe with the wisdom of her feminine being.  She is the flower that has bloomed and that knows she will wither and bloom again time after time after time until the next life begins.

I have traveled far to meet her, yet she was always by my side it just took me awhile to see her, to know her, to trust that she resides deep inside.  She strengthens me and knows me like no other encouraging me to continue to follow the guidance of my heart.

She is knowing, she is wise, she is spirit and she is matter.  She is me, not a stranger not any longer…

The dream of a dreamer

Since the moment I took my first breath I have harbored a dream within my heart.

I watch silently and with tender fear as this dream is slowly becoming real.  It terrifies me to the point of paralysis as I watch in wonder, in fear, in terror and in awe at all that unfolds before me.

Time seems to move quickly as I run to keep it tethered still so that my dreams do not carry me away as they become real.

Dreams are safe when they are only visions, the moment they become real is the moment in which life becomes real.

What is so terrifying of dreams become reality? Because it means I can no longer hide behind the screens that play in my imagination.  Because it means I have to be present in my body and being what it is that my dreams require me to be.  Because it means my life gets bigger, I get bigger, there is more responsibility that becomes mine as a leader.  Because I know that the moment I step into my big dreams is the moment I will lose a bit of my privacy, a bit of my hiding time, the last bit of invisibility I keep cloaked over me, I lose a part of myself that I have clung to for most of my life.  That terrifies me the most, the thought of being exposed, of being seen, and of not living up to what it is I am meant to be.

These dreams and these fears intertwine themselves beneath my breast, in the very heart of my being, carving out a piece of my soul where they can call home.  They nuzzle deep inside of me, growing, expanding, creating and I sit back in silence and watch, observe and in some ways become a prisoner to their greatness.  But I don’t feel like I am imprisoned instead there is freedom that is born within these dreams and in these fears. A knowing that this is all part of the journey, all part of experiencing this existence.  Terror has become my best friend, it is not something I run from, it is something I have come to embrace, as witness to the movement of my dreams, of my growth and of my journey.  I take the flight of this fear into the depths of my being, finding courage and strength to see what lives there, what I hold, what needs to be shed.  Each time I journey deeper I am amazed at what I have found, what I find within me, another corner another treasure buried deep inside. I may never know the depths of my own soul in this lifetime but I feel it, sometimes it overwhelms me, sometimes it is too much to bear so I turn down its music because I am afraid of it consuming me.

It is a struggle a battle one that no longer is too painful, one that I can bear witness too, one that I know is part of who I am. I am young and yet I am old, I am powerful and I am naive.  I am a novice and a high priestess all at the same time.  Two sides, many sides that exist all together. Sometimes I get tired of the mundane, of the everyday life and I wonder why do I have to live like this, why do I have to struggle like the rest, other times I can touch the place of magic that burns so brightly within my heart and wonder how I could imagine life could be so ordinary.  Sometimes I vanish to places only I can see and wonder if I am crazy, or if the things I experience can truly be mine.  There is a fear I carry a worry that I do not deserve all that I have, that I am not worthy of the experiences in which I wish to bear.  That I cannot be me, for to be me would to transcend all the things others want me to be.  I try to please them so I can fit in so I can find a place where I can call home, where I belong and yet within me I know the only place I can feel at home is within myself.  I know this and yet I am attached to so many things that only create toxicity for me in my mind and in my heart.  They are like weeds growing and I feed them because it all comes back to this.  I am a dreamer of my dreams a dreamer who is terrified of what these dreams may be, terrified that I will not live up to what they want me to be and terrified that they will all fall down around me. I wish to keep them safe and yet it is not meant to be, they are ready to take flight.  So I climb aboard I take the reins and I dig deep to find the trust and faith within myself, my dreams and the great spirit that surrounds us.  I take a breath and I fall with them hoping I find my wings, remember how to fly and soar to the heights my dreams wish to take me.

The spaces in between

All of my life I have wandered in spaces in between, sometimes feeling caught, not knowing where I was present feeling as if I lived in the spaces in between.

I am a traveler, not one the flies on planes, or in cars, or trains but one that travels between the realms, the worlds and all that exists around us.  I get lost in these places, lost here not knowing what is real and questioning what I see, feel, and know to be real.

All of my life I have heard the words you must be here, you must come back to reality.  I would sit and ask what is real? What is reality? Why can’t the places within my imagination or the spaces in which my soul travels be real? What is real?

I am here again, feeling bombarded, confused of what is happening around me, looking for a plane to grasp, a reality to settle in one that feels like it is my own.  I am still looking, searching, wandering the planes hoping this time I will find the place within myself that I am looking for.

Or perhaps the search is eternal, perhaps the places I go will always exist and I will always travel there, perhaps that is my gift.  It frightens me and I wonder how I will fit in, how I will be in this space in this world.  Things are changing, people are awakening perhaps I am not the crazy one anymore. Perhaps the spaces I travel to are becoming more real, more present to what is here now.  I can only hope for it is in the hoping I find the spark to continue travelling and it is within these spaces I come to know many secrets not only about myself but about the world, the universe and all that inhabit it.  In these spaces I know this, I may feel lost, but it is not nearly as lost as I sometimes feel here in this reality, in this place.  It is my lesson, my struggle, my gifts that brought me here, it is my purpose and my intention to seek what it is that I am here to remember about myself and help others to remember about who they are in turn…

If today was all I knew…

If today was all I knew this is what I would remember…

That my horse loves me and is there to support and guide me always

That dreams and wishes do come true, just not always in the way we expect them

It is ok to make mistakes, to feel sick, and to fumble every now and again

There is nothing in life you cannot be and there is nothing stopping you from being who you are

We have no idea what we are capable of as spirits and as human beings

That I am so much more than I know

That I get to choose what I believe in

That being on the farm with the horses in nature is where I will always want to be

That everywhere I look there is wisdom, it is up to me to see it

That there is nothing to be afraid of because I have within me what I need to protect myself and to keep myself safe

The only world that matters is the one I create within myself

That I need to trust what I know without second guessing myself, it is in the second guessing that we get lost

Follow my bliss

That it is ok to be happy…still working on that one

That I am worthy of love…

That if something is meant to be it will be…always and there is always a greater plan that exists for us all…

Today is my birthday….

Today is my birthday a day I both look forward to and dread at the same time.  As the days were speeding forward to this day I wished they would stop.  It is not that I don’t like getting older it is just the day seems to come and go so quickly and I wish to stop time so I can savor this day and really appreciate and soak up all the joy and love I receive on this day.

Last night before I went to bed last night I reflected on this past year, what I am most proud of, what I am grateful for and what I learned.  It was such a wonderful thing to do with myself because I was really able to see all the amazing things I accomplished this year and how far I came.  I then wrote down the things I wish for myself this year, what I want to accomplish, to experience and to be. Allowing myself to think big and throw things out there because you never know what can come of the wishes we throw out in the universe.

Last night I also got some news on a facility I had been hoping to move into to really begin to build a space where people could come and experience the wisdom and teachings of the horse.  It was not such good news or so appearance would seem but I know and I trust everything is unfolding exactly the way it is meant to.  That the path may not always seem clear to us, and is always full of turns and twists but there is a higher order and a higher power that is guiding us and that I all I can do is trust and believe I am in good hands.  So that is what I am choosing to believe today and onwards from here, that although appearances may be that I lost something the truth is there is a greater plan in store for me and that miracles do exist, prayers are answered and that this is exactly how things are supposed to be unfolding right now.

What I am grateful for is the tremendous amounts of love and support I have, the incredible gift of community and friendship that has blessed my life and really how truly loved I am by not only my friend but by my family who love and cherish me and who I am so grateful that they are the family I choose to be born into.

On this day for myself I am reminded of the free- spirited joyful little girl I was, who believed that anything was possible and that dreams came true. She was fearless, loving, open and adventurous and today is a day in which I play with her and live my life from her spirited and innocent eyes. How I remember my worth and begin to really see the beauty that is me.  Today I rejoice that I am alive and well with much to be grateful for and many blessings to thank even the ones I can’t see!

Wherever you are and whomever you be if you are know this, don’t wait for your birthday to give yourself the gift of joy, of love and of belief.  It can be yours now and everyday if you choose you never know what could happen if you do!

How do I trust….

I have been here before, this steep chapel hill I am staring at wondering how in the world I am going to climb it.  I take a deep breath close my eyes and open again and become astonished as now it appears I am looking down on the hill and am on the chapel instead of looking up.  How did that happen? In the moment that I closed my eyes and took a deep breath I surrendered to the journey to the work that is involved to climb the hill and magically just that act transported me to the place I wanted to go.

What do I learn in all this, it is not our job to do all the work, to figure out how we are going to make it, get to the place we want to go or take ourselves there all on our own.  Our jobs are to have a dream and do  everything we can do to believe in that dream to trust the process and all spirit to do the rest.

I remember saying this a couple of months ago after I found myself here and had manifested a wonderful opportunity, I promise I will never doubt again. I promise I will believe and trust in divine timing and trust that everything will work out the way it is meant to. I trust.

Here I am 3 months later or perhaps 4 and faced with another opportunity to exercise trust and I find myself doubting again.  I remembered that promise I made while I was driving and so doing whatever it is I can to muster all the strength I can to simply let go and allow and to trust so that my dreams will come true.  It is a funny world we live in, a funny place we create with our thoughts and our beliefs.  I have been reflecting on that lately noticing the distractions the worries I create in my mind, the control I seek to have over my life, the fear of not having enough.  Then again on my drive home last night I came up with this thought, if I needed more I would have it, perhaps I have exactly what I need in this moment to make this happen, perhaps there is nothing I need to fear and perhaps all I need to do is let go and believe.  So that is where I intend to stand, in that place of believing of trusting and letting go.  It is not easy but perhaps if I just close my eyes and take a deep breath the way will become clear in a way I never thought it would.

 

Last night I dreamed about killer whales or orca’s as they are sometimes called. I dream of them often or have over the last couple of years this time I was waiting or watching in a bay and a young whale came, I remember feeling excited at seeing him, he slapped his tail a couple of times and I watched at how a pod came swimming in, it took my breath away to see them and I could feel how excited I was that they were there again.  I remembered one had a fin that was bent over while the rest had their fins up. Whales in captivity will have their dorsal fin bent no one knows why this happens, some part of me is still captive perhaps and I wonder which one. Then my dog jumped into the water and I jumped after him pulling him away so the whales didn’t get him, they didn’t, I wonder what my dog represents perhaps the fearlessness and the youth of my psyche that wants to jump right in and trusts that whatever dangers are there before me, there will be someone jumping in after me pulling me out of harms way.  Or perhaps it is a message to leap boldly into the unknown into the water with the whales and trust that it will all be the way it is meant to be.  So here I go leaping away!  Here’s to dreams, believing, to magic and to all those that carry me forward on their backs that I may not always be able to see.

The Bright Spark

There is a stirring happening inside of me.  A spark an energy that has been lying dormant waiting again for its time to come alive once again.  The time has come, the fire is returning, the spark awakening.  The feeling is palpable as if a current of energy is crackling around me, stirring me to life creating a magnetic force around me.  I dare not turn it away.  I dare not tell it to go back asleep back to a safe place where I can keep it hidden.  I do not dare. It would cost me too much. I know this now.  The cost is to high one that I am not willing to take, to chance, to play with.  It scares me this energy I won’t lie.  I am terrified of it, of the things it is making me want to do, that it is pushing me towards and yet I a part of me welcomes it. It laps it up, hungry for it, yearning for the flames to lick away the wounds that have long since gone away.  This is what terrifies me, the feeling of eagerness to let this spark, this fire to lead me to guide me further in my purpose and in my path.  I have played it safe for far too long, afraid of setting things in motion, afraid of what others would think, afraid of how irrevocably my life would be changed, afraid to leave this box I have created for myself, the comfort zone I have dared not leave.  Great things cannot be accomplished by playing it safe, transformation does not occur within in the confines of the boxes we have created for ourselves to live in.  What is this life meant for if not to take chances, risk, to be bold and to stretch ourselves beyond what we think we are capable of.

I was reminded of this very act this weekend while attending a workshop, a workshop where I was stretched, challenged and given an excuse to play a role I don’t normally play.  I was given an opportunity to step outside my comfort zone, to tap into an energy that I had been running from for far to long.  The results were beyond anything I could have imagined. I felt free, I felt good I felt a sense of smugness from that source that said see what were you so worried about.  I was brilliant, engaged, strong and I was powerful.  All without losing the gentleness I so appreciate about who I am.  All without losing the love I strive to keep in everything I do.  This workshop blew apart any excuses I had given myself as to why I couldn’t let this spark out, it blew apart the box I had been hiding in and blew apart any illusion I had been painting for my life. ( For those who interested into what workshop this was it was the Meet the Model workshop put on by The Coach Training Institute well worth checking out!)

I left the workshop feeling alive in ways I have not been alive in a long time, a part of me had been awakened more fully to the surface of my being.  A new spark has emerged has taken a hold of my heart in ways I can’t really begin to explain.  My world is colored different, my perspectives have changed, I have found a sense of courage and freedom that I have been praying to find for a long time.  A sense that I can really do all that I wish to achieve and to be and even a willingness to take a chance to play bold and step out of my safe place that I have stayed hidden in for a long time.  I don’t know what it’s going to look like and at this point I don’t really care what I do know is this, I will never know how far I can go unless I try.  I will never know what I can become if I don’t at least take a step towards what I want to be.  I won’t ever know how rich this life can really be unless I use the wings I have been given and fly.  As a wise woman once said to me,  you have wings use them!