What does it mean to love? Today on valentine’s day I ponder that. What it truly means and feels like to love and be loved.
I consider myself a romantic, a lover, someone who believes in love in fairytales and happy endings, but I question to myself what I really know about being in love, of feeling love’s embrace and knowing it purely in my heart.
I love my family, my friends and I know they love me. I love my animals, my dog Luca and horse Indra, to me they are the air that I breathe. I love my life, I love nature I love. So what feels like it is beyond my reach? I thought I had been in love before but from where I am today looking back I can’t say that it was love I was truly feeling.
The love I miss the most, is the love I feel for myself. In theory I know that this is the most important love there is and in theory I would like to believe that I love myself. But the truth is I don’t think I really know how, or really do as much as I crave to or desire to. I watched myself the last couple of days, paying close attention to the thoughts running around in my brain. They weren’t pretty, and I wonder the cause of such harshness upon myself. This year was meant to be a year in which I showed more kindness and love towards myself. Where I spoke words of compassion, forgiveness and trust to my internal self instead of judgements, lies, and criticism something that I am oh so good at.
Today is Valentine’s day and as a romantic you would think that I loved today, that I lived for today, look forward to it. Truthfully to me there is nothing romantic about valentine’s day because I believe you should be loving everyday of the year not just one. To me it feels fake, made up, an excuse of sorts that if for one day you shower others with love, chocolate and candy it makes everything else ok. Love should be celebrated all year round, with every breathe you take, every step that you make and with every gesture you hand out. Love should weave itself consciously into our lives on every occasion not just one. If love makes the world go round why is it not something we practice more regularly.
My life seems chaotic in this moment as I stress about how to make my business grow, what to do, how rapidly my life seems to change, I get so caught up in the overwhelm, the stress, the doings that it is so easy to slip back into old patterns of harshness. There is a part of me that is begging for me to let things go, to do my best to live in the present moment, love myself and let the rest unfold before me. The other part is screaming to hold on, to fight, to work, to strive, to succeed. Where is the middle line? Where is the balance. I am balancing on the tightest of ropes now hanging on by a thread, I am sure if I looked down I would see that there was no reason to dangle because there is land at my feet. So why do I? I read something on a card I pulled a couple of days ago, your life doesn’t need to be healed, it needs only to be loved. So here I am dangling on this thread two feet on the ground, looking like a fool when maybe all I need to do is let go, let the ground catch me and trust it will all be ok. Mix that with a little bit of love and perhaps I will figure this life out after all…