The dream of a dreamer

Since the moment I took my first breath I have harbored a dream within my heart.

I watch silently and with tender fear as this dream is slowly becoming real.  It terrifies me to the point of paralysis as I watch in wonder, in fear, in terror and in awe at all that unfolds before me.

Time seems to move quickly as I run to keep it tethered still so that my dreams do not carry me away as they become real.

Dreams are safe when they are only visions, the moment they become real is the moment in which life becomes real.

What is so terrifying of dreams become reality? Because it means I can no longer hide behind the screens that play in my imagination.  Because it means I have to be present in my body and being what it is that my dreams require me to be.  Because it means my life gets bigger, I get bigger, there is more responsibility that becomes mine as a leader.  Because I know that the moment I step into my big dreams is the moment I will lose a bit of my privacy, a bit of my hiding time, the last bit of invisibility I keep cloaked over me, I lose a part of myself that I have clung to for most of my life.  That terrifies me the most, the thought of being exposed, of being seen, and of not living up to what it is I am meant to be.

These dreams and these fears intertwine themselves beneath my breast, in the very heart of my being, carving out a piece of my soul where they can call home.  They nuzzle deep inside of me, growing, expanding, creating and I sit back in silence and watch, observe and in some ways become a prisoner to their greatness.  But I don’t feel like I am imprisoned instead there is freedom that is born within these dreams and in these fears. A knowing that this is all part of the journey, all part of experiencing this existence.  Terror has become my best friend, it is not something I run from, it is something I have come to embrace, as witness to the movement of my dreams, of my growth and of my journey.  I take the flight of this fear into the depths of my being, finding courage and strength to see what lives there, what I hold, what needs to be shed.  Each time I journey deeper I am amazed at what I have found, what I find within me, another corner another treasure buried deep inside. I may never know the depths of my own soul in this lifetime but I feel it, sometimes it overwhelms me, sometimes it is too much to bear so I turn down its music because I am afraid of it consuming me.

It is a struggle a battle one that no longer is too painful, one that I can bear witness too, one that I know is part of who I am. I am young and yet I am old, I am powerful and I am naive.  I am a novice and a high priestess all at the same time.  Two sides, many sides that exist all together. Sometimes I get tired of the mundane, of the everyday life and I wonder why do I have to live like this, why do I have to struggle like the rest, other times I can touch the place of magic that burns so brightly within my heart and wonder how I could imagine life could be so ordinary.  Sometimes I vanish to places only I can see and wonder if I am crazy, or if the things I experience can truly be mine.  There is a fear I carry a worry that I do not deserve all that I have, that I am not worthy of the experiences in which I wish to bear.  That I cannot be me, for to be me would to transcend all the things others want me to be.  I try to please them so I can fit in so I can find a place where I can call home, where I belong and yet within me I know the only place I can feel at home is within myself.  I know this and yet I am attached to so many things that only create toxicity for me in my mind and in my heart.  They are like weeds growing and I feed them because it all comes back to this.  I am a dreamer of my dreams a dreamer who is terrified of what these dreams may be, terrified that I will not live up to what they want me to be and terrified that they will all fall down around me. I wish to keep them safe and yet it is not meant to be, they are ready to take flight.  So I climb aboard I take the reins and I dig deep to find the trust and faith within myself, my dreams and the great spirit that surrounds us.  I take a breath and I fall with them hoping I find my wings, remember how to fly and soar to the heights my dreams wish to take me.

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